'Submit your next report in hieroglyphics': 25+ Unethical workplace hacks for professional time-wasters

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Apr 26, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

It's cool to try hard, but you don't always feel like it. Sometimes you'd just like to skate by doing the bare minimum while you tend to your homegrown tomato garden. It's only human. But the world doesn't always like it when you do that. It requires you to be places and to do things, not always things that you feel like doing. You might have to put in hours on projects you don't really care about, talk to people who you have nothing in common with, and do it all again tomorrow. This is the plight of being a working human. 

This doesn't mean, though, that you can't have a little fun on the way. You've heard the old adage "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, which is why I [redacted] on company time." It's a classic for a reason. But maybe we can innovate and improve on that idea a little bit. 

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    9. Submit SEO deliverables as riddles. If they can solve them, they deserve to rank.
    via Unsplash+ (Toa Heftiba)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • What follows is a list of unethical and definitely not above-board tactics that one could use at their workplace, if they had a streak for the surrealist. It's as entertaining as it is eye-opening. Scroll on and definitely don't take this advice, but have fun while you read through it.

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    Unethical Work Hacks That Absolutely No One Should Ever Try

    1. Schedule emails to send just after EOD. Even if you're done early. Appear busy, not idle 2. Reply with "Let me circle back Monday" on a Friday at 4:59 pm. Technically, you didn't lie.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    3. Always appear "in a meeting." Especially when you're not. Especially when you're cleaning your kitchen. 4. Block "brand narrative alignment" in your calendar. Use it to doomscroll through LinkedIn, dismantling the meaning of work.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    5. Create slides with poetic opacity. Annotate graphs as "The Lacanian Funnel" and "Engagement as Simulacrum." Conclude with: "The data speaks for itself." 6. Invent a perpetual stakeholder named "Mr. K" who has concerns about everything. He doesn't approve. He doesn't offer feedback. Mr. K offers parables.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    7. Dismiss your own old strategy as "legacy thinking." Disagree with it vehemently. 8. Forward the same email thread back to the client with a new subject line. Call it an "upgrade."
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    9. Submit SEO deliverables as riddles. If they can solve them, they deserve to rank. 10. Chain ChatGPT, Gemini, and Claude into a recursive feedback loop. Wait until one of them breaks. 11. Refer to low-performing pages as "ontologically hollow." It's not a bug, it's a rupture in the symbolic order.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    12. Rename your Google Sheet tabs to "do_not_touch" and "client_facing." They are identical. 13. Send automated weekly reports even if the data hasn't been updated in months. No one notices.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    14. Send yourself a Slack reminder every morning that says "Check insights." Play Wordle instead. Get praised for being "proactive with data." 15. Create two Notion boards one for show, one for go. The second is just a sticky note that says "vibes." -
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    16. Invent a fake competitor brand named "Larynx." Echo everything they do. Nobody will admit they've never heard of them. 17. Pitch a "content moat" strategy based on a blog post from 2017. It has no traffic. It FEELS authoritative.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    18. End all comms with lyrics from obscure post-punk bands. Bonus points if you still get replies. 19. Clone yourself in Midjourney. Use the image in Zoom calls. Mute yourself. Nod solemnly. If asked to speak, type you'd "rather not to."
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    20. Replace your analytics dashboard with an Absurdist painting and a caption that reads "Q5." When questioned, say it's a new form of data-driven storytelling. Say nothing else.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    21. Submit your next report in hieroglyphics, not because you want to be edgy or mysterious or even original, but because you understand, deeply and intuitively, that true insight cannot be flattened into bullet points or trapped in
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    bar charts, that "content" must be felt as much as it is read, that the symbols etched by ancient scribes carry more semantic weight than anything you could write in DM Sans 12, and when the client asks why they can't understand any of this, you simply lean forward, fold your hands, and say, "The cake is a lie."
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    22. Blame the Jellyfish. The one in charge of approvals.
    via u/CmdrKrz
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    Dankecheers • 20h ago "People will think you're busy if you always look annoyed" . George Costanza
    via u/Dankecheers
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    newnamesamefa... . 21h ago Better: schedule emails for within the workday because you should never set the expectation of working outside of regular hours.
    via u/newnamesameface
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    LadySmuag 19h ago • I have Excel sheets labeled do_not_touch and at least once a quarter I get asked by a coworker why it asks for a password and won't let them make any changes
    via u/LadySmuag
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    geedijuniir 20h ago Dude whats going on in America work culture. If im working from home and im hitting my weekly targets. No one cares and should care.
    via u/geedijuniir
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    Sleippnir 16h ago . Block recurring 4-hour "Cognitive Resonance Cycles" in your public calendar. Use the time to perfect your sourdough starter. Explain it's crucial for "cross-functional ideation alignment."
    via u/Sleippnir
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    Reply to any request under $500 with, "Per the Q2 mandate, please submit this via the Asynchronous Value Request Portal for impact assessment." The portal is a hyperlink that leads back to the company's homepage.
    via u/Sleippnir
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    When asked about project risks, solemnly state, "The primary blocker remains the heat death of the universe, but we're tracking mitigation. strategies." Log this in Jiral under "Long-Term Impediments."
    via u/Sleippnir
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    Configure your email signature to randomly append one of three phrases: "Sent from my Ouija board," "Dictated but not read, possibly by a badger," or "This message will self-detonate upon comprehension." Feign ignorace if questioned.
    via u/Sleippnir
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    During virtual presentations, randomly share your screen displaying only a highly pixelated image of a fax machine. Announce, "Just syncing the paradigm shifts," then immediately stop sharing. Offer no explanation.
    via u/Sleippnir
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    Answer any question about deadlines with, "We're operating on Kairos time, not Chronos, to fully harness emergent potential." Add the project status is "Percolating." Repurpose your oldest slide deck by changing the title slide font to Papyrus and adding "(Retro Remix)" to the name. Present it as "vintage foundational strategy" relevant to current challenges.
    via u/Sleippnir
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    Start a shared document titled "Cross-Pollination Ledger." Add only one entry: "Idea: synergy?" Tag ten people. Set permissions to "Comment Only." Turn off notifications for the document. Write your annual self- review entirely in haiku. Quantify achievements using phases of the moon. Give yourself a performance rating of "Existentially Aligned."
    via u/Sleippnir
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    SeventyBears 21h ago Enable stealth mode on your MacBook for work and use Jiggler.
    via u/SeventyBears
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    . poof_blackmagic 19h ago this is workplace gothic
    via u/poof_blackmagic
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    HalfCareless3347 Kier approved
    via u/HalfCareless3347

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